This keeps coming up for me and just recently I’ve come to terms with it. I kept feeling sorry for myself, believing that I was no one’s bright shining star potential with the ‘it’ quality. I was not the favorite vocalist at the performance - not the audiences, not the promoters. I was no one’s first pick for festivals, showcases, guest spots, etc. No one HAD to go out to see me and I was no one’s priority artist and so on and so on. This theme kept repeating over and over. Basically, it kept affirming that I wasn’t special. Of course, every time this theme surfaced, the little voice inside me said “You’re not the best. You should quit. You’ll never be the best. You should quit. You’ll never be the favorite. You should quit. You are too old, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too small town, too something... You’re not special... you should quit. Don’t you think someone would have noticed you by now if you were really awesome?” In fact, whenever I perform, still to this day, right before I go on, this little voice says “Run Away. No one wants to hear you!!!!” It never subsides although it has quieted somewhat over the years.
Recently, I was at a show where a friend of mine (who is important in the music business) said to me between sets, “You know... don’t quit singing... “My breath caught in my throat as I anticipated his approval... He continued, “You look happy and maybe you could do daycare or something else but why not do this. Just never quit.” I felt more than a little defeated after that. Of course, It’s at those moments of vulnerability that the ego pounces and starts yelling. “You aren’t that good but what the hell, you look happy and you seem to be having fun,” my ego taunted.
Then something wonderful happened. I got quiet and I surrendered to the feeling of vulnerability, admitting to myself that maybe I wasn’t the best in the room and that didn’t matter at all. I was, however, growing and improving my craft, and achieving my own personal excellence and whether or not I was the favorite or the best didn’t matter at all because that wasn’t the point. My lesson in all this was that I’m not in competition with anyone but myself and I was better than last time so I am the winner, the winner in my own self improvement journey. I always learn so much when I am surrounded my greatness and for that I am so blessed.
Life is about the journey, about personal growth and development. I am doing things now that I would have never imagined I could do. When I started performing, talking from the stage was the scariest thing in the world, now I ramble on with ease and I’m even working comedy into the act. I am learning to accept me, where I’m at and I am grateful for all the experiences. Those old messages that we have hard coded into who we are don’t need to taunt us our whole lives. We can refresh what was there and replace it with something self-affirming and loving. To me, from this day forward, every performance is a success because I am growing and learning. Thank you for helping me see this. Namaste .