Last Sunday at church, I was reminded of a profound truth: we are not writing the script of our lives—God is. God is in charge and knows exactly what we need and when we need it. This truth probably isn’t a big shock to most Christians, and it wasn’t a shock to me either, but I needed a reminder.
At the beginning of June, I received the amazing news that my most recent chest and abdominal CT scan came up clear with no evidence of disease. (Just to recap, I’ve been dealing with stage 4 ovarian cancer, which I’ve been told is a death sentence). Anyway, after reading the scan report, I should have been bouncing off the walls with excitement, but instead, I found myself feeling mostly ambivalent. I felt resistant to telling people but couldn’t understand why. After some reflection, I decided that my resistance stemmed from wanting to be more certain about the results of the scan, as I got to read the report about two weeks prior to my oncologist appointment.
Those two weeks passed quickly, and when I asked my doctor about the scan, she said that everything looked really good and that all the tumors in my liver and abdomen had shrunk to invisible. I asked her if that meant I was in remission. She said she didn’t like to use that terminology when referring to ovarian cancer but reluctantly said yes. She said YES!
After that conversation, I expected to feel elated and ready to tell the world, but I once again found myself feeling resistant. It was so odd. Although I told my family and a few close friends, for the most part, I kept the news to myself.
If you know me, you’d know that being tight-lipped about exciting news is completely out of character for me. I love to share good news, especially about music or how the Lord has blessed, healed, and changed my life. Since returning to Christianity, I feel like a new person. But even though so much good has flooded my life, I still experience periods of confusion and separation. I still suffer from fear of failure and guilt. I still struggle with fear of what others might think. I still feel unworthy of God’s mercy and healing. I often find myself asking, “Why me? Why would God heal me?”
It turns out that my resistance to sharing my news was because I was afraid. I was afraid of being wrong about my healing and then looking foolish. I was afraid that if my cancer returned after a ‘big announcement’ of remission, it could diminish someone’s growing faith and move them away from God. I was even afraid that I’d make God Himself look bad.
You might be thinking—if you’re a believer, why are you still struggling?
The truth is, God never promised that walking with Him would mean an easy life. It’s not like once you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, your life will be only roses and Milk Duds. In fact, He tells His followers the opposite. In John 16:33 (NIV), Jesus says, “…In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” He says we will have trouble, not you might, but you will—but that’s okay, Jesus has your back. And let’s face it, Jesus Himself was persecuted and suffered greatly. In James 1:12 (NIV), the Bible says, “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” So not only will you suffer trials, but after you persevere, you will be rewarded.
In church, the sermon was on Psalms 77, written by someone going through a ‘dark night of the soul.’ He wrote: “(1) I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. (2) When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. (3) I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. (4) You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. (5) I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; (6) I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: (7) “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? (8) Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? (9) Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?” (10) Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. (11) I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. (12) I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (13) Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? (14) You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. (15) With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. (16) The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. (17) The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth. (18) Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked. (19) Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen. (20) You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.” (NIV)
After the service, it occurred to me that the reason I was afraid and hesitant to share my good news was that I had somehow forgotten several important biblical truths—that God’s ways are not my ways, that God is in control and has a plan for my life, and that God is the God of miracles. In Jeremiah 29:11, it says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” In Isaiah 41:10, it says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” James 1:2-4 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
So, long story longer, I have no idea what the future holds regarding my health. I am not writing that script. God is in charge, and regardless of the outcome, He will use my circumstances to help me grow and mature in Christ and for the greater good. My job is to keep my eyes on Him, to be obedient, and to have faith that He knows what is best for me. Even in the darkest of nights, I know Jesus will never leave my side. Even when I don’t feel His presence, He is there. So, will I remain in remission? God only knows, but I am going to live this life to glorify Him and walk the path He is leading me to walk.