Since I started thinking about all the thoughts that limit my success, I’ve been thrown into a world of really deep self reflection. I have found so, so many things and I feel that focusing on them has left me feeling dazed and confused. I found myself feeling like I just didn’t even know where to start, so of course, that left me doing nothing. Since my last post, I was hit with a really bad chest cold that landed me in bed for just about 3 weeks. I think that the cold was more about my own confusion than any virus. It also gave me a lot of time to think about the confusion and to really explore it.
So, what’s with the confusion? What I know and have been taught is that there are 2 main emotions: love and fear. If it isn’t an emotion infused with love, then it’s about fear. Confusion is a fear infused emotion. Inside my body, there are voices that are either love based (spirit) or fear based (ego). The voice of spirit inside me is softer, calmer and leaves me with a feeling of wholeness. Ego, or as I like to call him “Napoleon, the little prick,” has a voice that can also be soft but most often leaves me feeling confused and when I focus on this voice, fear wells up in me and my brain spirals in an endless frenzy of panic.
Fear is a funny thing. As you know, I am a cancer survivor, and what I have found to be the hardest part of having had cancer, is living with having had it. It’s really hard to not allow every pain, creak or throb in my body to be cancer returning. Any weak moment where I question my health, ego gallops in and declares “Cancer has returned.” Then that voice creates all kinds of chaos. It’s like a dog chasing its tail. We have a small fearful thought and that opens the gates for ego to come in and amplify that fear until the sound of that voice would fill a stadium. Then that ego driven fearful voice creates symptoms in the body like breathlessness and anxiety and that creates more fearful thoughts that ego then further amplifies. It’s a cycle of insanity and sometimes I find myself paralyzed by this cycle of fear.
So, what do I do? One thing that really works for me is speaking the fear. This is important because our ego wants us to isolate ourselves from everyone. It says, “you can’t tell people, silly!! They’ll think that you are a complete whacko!! “ As I said my ego is a little prick, but after I speak the fear, after I tell someone who loves me, the voice quiets. I find even in writing this blog that I can feel my body relaxing and some of the tension is being released. Speaking our truth can set us free. This is a hard lesson because we’ve been programmed to stay private, secretive and that letting people see us as we truly are would allow us to be hurt or to appear weak. All of this is false. It’s what our ego wants us to believe. Love is about relationships, community, and sharing.
Another interesting truth about ego is that it is relatively quiet when we are miserable. If our life is blah and we are numb, ego is really quiet. Ego wants us numb. It doesn’t want us to be free from fear and living our best life as our best selves. But, if you dare to grow, dare to heal, dare to leap, then ego gets very agitated and will jump at any change it has to stop you in your tracks. Ego being loud is a really good indicator that you are onto something important and life changing and I know this is what had happened to me. My health is fine, in fact it’s perfect, but I am at the beginning of taking a grand leap of faith and ego does not want that to happen. I am moving more closely towards living from my essence and ego does not want that. It’s not surprising to me that my symptom of fear is breathlessness and overeating. If I can’t breathe, I can’t sing. If I eat and eat, I feel crappy and don’t want to leave the house. It’s all so perfect. It keeps me silent and alone.
Well, it stops here. My intention today is to release this fear to spirit and to trust that I am perfect health. My intention is to release this fear and trust that I am safe to leap. My intention here is to breathe in love and release anything that isn’t love. I am safe to speak my truth.
My affirmation for today is “I am safe to leap and speak my truth and all is well in my world. I am love and perfect health.”