That shock was profound, especially since I had clung to the belief that I was an exception—that my cancer, which had seemingly localized to a single spot, would be surgically removed and I would be free.
My initial diagnosis in 2020 was stage 1C, indicating that the cancer had not spread. However, during the removal of the cantaloupe-sized tumor, it ruptured, releasing its contents into my abdominal cavity. Chemotherapy followed, with the promise of preventing further spread. Yet, here I am, facing a reality I thought I had escaped.
As I wrote in my last post, I found myself seeking refuge in my faith, leaning into God’s strength, and pleading for His guidance. My faith, however, was not without its struggles. The act of writing about faith and healing became a battle against doubt, as I grappled with the understanding that ultimately, it is God who decides our fate. I can pray, hope, seek counsel, take supplements, and do everything within my power to aid in my healing, but in the end, it is God’s will that prevails. It was my job to ask for healing, to expect healing, and to have faith. This seemed so counterintuitive, but I had to learn to be okay being in this place, this place of releasing control and trusting God.
Sadly, in my own confusion, the enemy had planted seeds of fear that slowly started to grow and grow. It was so gradual, so logical, and felt so normal that I truly didn’t realize it until I was buried in it.
This voice, the voice of fear, was familiar and almost comforting. It whispered lies like if I professed faith for complete healing, I might inadvertently tarnish God’s image or dissuade others from seeking Him in their time of need. It whispered that I’d look stupid for having faith in a God who didn’t heal me, so it’s better to stay real and plan for the worst. It whispered that maybe God doesn’t exist or maybe that I was wasting what precious time I have left trying to fly right and get to know this pretend God. It whispered why would God save you? What makes you so special? These thoughts seemed logical, so the fear paralyzed me, stopping my hand each time I attempted to write.
Unfortunately, fear begets fear, and it can consume one’s entire being. The enemy knows precisely how to manipulate our concerns, masquerading them as well-intentioned advice. This became my reality when my oncologist, citing my compromised immune system, advised me to cease teaching in-person lessons. The result was self-imposed isolation, a growing fear of others, and a withdrawal from the communal aspects of my life, including church, performances, and visits from friends and family. If not for my husband, Mike, I would have faced these trials in utter solitude.
In my search for solace, I was led to Isaiah 41:10, a verse that resonated with my soul:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
This promise became a beacon in the darkness, alongside Jeremiah 1:8, Deuteronomy 31:8, and Isaiah 43:2—verses that reminded me of God’s unwavering presence and protection. It took time to sift through the deception and fear, but eventually, these words of Scripture illuminated the path before me, offering comfort and courage. I started to see how fooled I was by the messages of fear. I suddenly felt my strength grow. I felt my faith become planted once again, and I was overcome with peace. Peace in my situation. Peace in my mind.
As I continue to navigate this trial, I am learning to trust in God’s plan, to have faith in my healing while accepting that His wisdom far exceeds my own. I am learning to let go of fear, to write without reservation, and to stand firm in the belief that God’s love is unfailing.
In February, I had a CT scan done, and all the tumors had either shrunk to invisible or shrunk significantly. This is a miracle, and I am grateful to God for this healing. I have another scan coming up at the end of May, and I am praying for “No Evidence of Disease,” but in the meantime, I’m resuming my life. I’ve returned to church. I am stepping into what God has called me to do, like writing about my journey. I feel that I’ve been called to share this with you. I know I have other gifts—like composing songs, singing, and teaching—and I am actively and prayerfully asking for guidance in this regard.
To those who read this, know that you are not alone in your struggles. We all face battles that test our faith, but it is through these trials that we are reminded of the strength that comes from surrendering to God and asking Him to help you. He will never force Himself on you. We were given free will for a reason. But He will always be there for you when you ask. In my NIV study Bible, as an addition to Isaiah 43:2—“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you…”—it says, “When we go through rivers of difficulty, we will either drown or grow stronger as we learn to keep our heads above water. If we try to make it with our own strength, we will drown. If we invite the Lord to go with us, He will be in the river with us and teach us how to navigate the treacherous waters.”
May you find peace in the promises of God, as I have, and may your journey, no matter how tumultuous, lead you to a place of healing and hope. If you’d like to chat, feel free to reach out.
I love you, Sabrina xoxo
PS - I've included the verses below that I found comfort in but would love to hear yours. Feel free to drop them in the blog comments below. And if I am misunderstanding anything and you'd like to offer guidance, please do so. I'm am just learning :)
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Jeremiah 1:8 (NIV)
Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord .
Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Isaiah 43:2 (NIV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.